Season 2, Episode 9: “The Trouble with Mary Jane” – Original Airdate: Nov 24th 1985
Directed by T.J. Castronovo
Written by Edithe Swenson (who not only scripted multiple episodes of Tales and its spiritual successor, “Monsters”, but also wrote for the series “Charmed”)

Lawrence Tierney (Dillinger, Reservoir Dogs) and comedy legend Phyllis Diller star as the Mills’, a married couple who have long made their living pretending to be experts in the supernatural: giving fake tarot and tea leaf readings or performing bogus “cleansings”. As the episode opens, they have been called upon by a woman whose adopted daughter, Mary Jane (Tanya Fenmore – Twilight Zone: The Movie, 1990’s Lisa), has been possessed by the succubus Aisha-Kandisha. The Mills’, now faced with a true supernatural force, quickly realize that they are well out of their league. However, as they could really use the $50,000 offered “payday”, Mr. Mills agrees to perform an exorcism on the girl. His wife, Nora, is in something of disbelief, mostly because her husband has never attempted such a task. Well, not a real one anyway. 

After some presumably very brief research on the subject, Jack (Mr. Mills) gets the idea to exorcise the demon out of Mary Jane’s body and into the body of a piglet. However, the couple are knocked cold by Aisha-Kandisha’s powers before even getting more than a sentence into their attempt. Jack’s next idea involves invoking and taking control over an even more powerful demon in order to command the first to depart the girl’s body. As expected, this also goes much worse than planned (if planned at all) resulting in Mary Jane being possessed by both demons.

The episode concludes with yet another ill-conceived attempt to free Mary Jane of the (now) pair of demons possessing her. While the girl is indeed returned to her normal state, the exorcism is not entirely successful, ending in a manner that is supposed to be light-hearted and comedic. It’s not. Honestly, I don’t find much about “The Trouble With Mary Jane” to be all that amusing or intriguing, and consider the episode to be something of a “swing and miss”. Despite the “name recognition” and talent that both Tierney and Diller bring to the table, it’s Fenmore who steals the show here, hamming and (sometimes, quite literally) chewing her way through scenes with an over-ambition that’s far more effective comedically than anything these seasoned pros are able to put forth.

OTHER CREDITS: Carolyn Seymour, who voices “Aisha-Kandisha” in the episode, has a long list of gaming credits to her name, including voicing “Myrrah” in the Gears of War series, while John Marzilli, the voice of demon “Gad”, also portrayed “General Earle” in the Soviet Strike and Nuclear Strike games of the 1990s. Marzilli also appeared in the 1995 film Project: Metalbeast alongside director Castronovo. Castronovo also appeared in another film that’s gained some notable cult fandom over the years, Ninja III: The Domination. 

 

 

Season 2, Episode 10: “Ursa Minor” – Original Airdate: Dec 1st 1985
Directed by Ted Gershuny (director of Silent Night Bloody Night, writer of Far From Home)
Based on a short story by sci-fi author John Sladek, adapted for screen by Gershuny

Little Susie receives a teddy bear as a gift for her birthday. Her mother, Joan (Marilyn Jones, who appeared in 1975’s The Love Butcher and as the daughter of Betty White’s character, “Rose”, on TV’s “The Golden Girls”) assumes the bear to be a gift from the girl’s father. However, Dad (Timothy Carhart – Witness, The Hunt for Red October) is half hungover from the night before and has no memory of ever getting the thing. Honestly, even by episode’s end, it’s never truly stated where the bear came from, but implications are made. 

Soon, small accidents begin to occur around the house, which Susie attributes to the bear. These incidents and her daughter’s refusal to admit fault begin to annoy Joan. Like, REALLY annoy her, as she responds to each situation possibly a tad too aggressively. Even her husband thinks she’s over-reacting, but she’s not listening to his drunk ass. The troubles caused since the bear’s arrival have only magnified the tension and discord between the couple. The bigger trouble, however, is that the multiple scenes highlighting this discord soon prove to be fairly irrelevant.

The “accidents” begin to escalate in intensity and frequency. Hell, the bear even reveals itself, turning glowing red eyes at Joan as she checks in on her sleeping daughter late one evening. That said, she doesn’t say shit about it to her family. She does, however, consult with a professor at the college she attends, one who claims to be an “expert on magic and myth”. Honestly, the man could teach an Introduction to Ceramics class for all we know. Either way, he gives her some spiel about bears being magical creatures and how the Big Dipper got its name… before reminding Joan that “Teddy” is just a toy and that she can get rid of it at any time.

The professor should probably stick to his pots and kilns because his advise proves to be utterly useless.  Although the woman attempts to dispose of the bear, Teddy refuses to go peacefully. Eventually, she resorts to trying to destroy the toy… which only makes her nightmare significantly worse!

Like many other Tales from the Darkside episodes covered so far, I do remember watching “Ursa Minor” when I was much younger, possibly at the time of its original airing. While it’s impossible to recall my exact thoughts from that time, I’m pretty sure they were along the lines of “A killer teddy bear? That’s pretty cool!“. (Hey, I was a kid. Cut me some slack.) Truth be told, I still consider the idea to be “pretty cool”. However, age and multiple rewatches have exposed the plot to also be quite thin; padded out with a domestic drama that ultimately proves to be insignificant to the events taking place or their resolution. Really, it’s just a story about a teddy bear with self-control issues. Like I said, that’s still “pretty cool”. It’s just not very deep.

In rewatching “Ursa Minor” for this review, I found myself highly amused by listening to my own wife constantly wish death upon not only Joan, but also Susie. That said, she was disappointed that we never truly discover the characters’ final fates, although you can assume it’s not pleasant. Even then, there is no moral, nor lesson learned. It’s just bad luck and grim misfortune… but that’s horror for you.

 

 

Season 2, Episode 11: “Effect and Cause” – Original Airdate: Dec 8 1985
Directed by Marc Jean (who has directed a lot of 1990s’ off-network television shows and a ass-load of movies for The Hallmark Channel)
Written by Michael Kube-McDowell

In need of new canvas on which to “create”, struggling artist Kate (Susan Strasberg – Scream of Fear, The Manitou) receives a stack of paintings from her dancer friend, David (Ben Marley – Jaws 2, 1995’s Rumpelstiltskin) who found them while being paid to clear out the apartment of another artist recently evicted from their home. Although she believes that painting over or “whitewashing” these pieces would be an act of “bad karma”, Kate relents and agrees to do just that, if only because she deems the artwork to be “awful”. That “bad karma” kicks in before ever picking up a brush as Kate soon takes a tumble down her staircase, resulting in a leg injury. What makes the matter truly odd, however, is that paramedics arrive at her home not only before ever being called for, but also mere moments before her fall.

Despite this early omen, Kate commences with the whitewashing, starting with a somewhat eerie painting of an almost demonic-looking woman’s face. Truth be told, it does appear to be the only painting of its sort in the collection, although very little is actually said about the piece. This is followed by odd occurrences taking place around Kate’s home, most notably items vanishing right before her eyes, often replaced with other items. Although the events are quite strange, nothing that could be considered much of a threat manifests itself… at least, not immediately.

However, before any threat can present itself, “Effect and Cause” plays around with the concepts of altering realities and the metaphysics of chaos and order… which may be nothing more than some words that I threw together to try and bullshit my way through this sentence. Either way, it results in Kate quite literally starting to lose her grasp on “reality”, a fact that is exacerbated by her also (quite literally) losing her grasp on her house; items blinking in and out of existence or utilities violently failing.

The episode concludes in somewhat rushed fashion, with Kate finding a horrific end to her ordeal. Personally, I’ve never been particularly fond of “Effect and Cause“, finding the episode not too dissimilar to the universe on which it attempts to reflect: random and fairly non-sensical. I guess it can be argued that the episode deals with “the horrors of the universe” or even “the horrors of one’s own mind”, but that’s probably a case of putting far more thought into the episode than it deserves.

BIRTHDAY REUNION: Both Strasberg and Marley appear in the 1981 “killer kids” film Bloody Birthday.