Just like with previous years, I see no real reason to write an intro piece to my own post. The whole concept of doing so seems pompous and narcissistic to me. That said, this piece was just short of the required 600 words that I made everyone else adhere to, so that’s why I even bothered to write the paragraph that you are finishing now.
Now, just in case there was any confusion, I’m not a xenoarchaeologist. If I were, I wouldn’t have had to use a Google search to figure out what that word meant. That said, I do know a few basic rules about encounters with extraterrestrial lifeforms. What I do know is that, no matter what the lifeform looks like…. no matter whether you believe their mission to be one of peace or one of invasion….. for the love of all things holy and/or unholy, DON’T POKE IT WITH A FUCKING STICK!!! Seriously, it’s a “dick move” on any planet.
In 1958’s sci-fi/horror classic The Blob, a gelatinous organism crashes to Earth, contained within what would appear to be a common meteorite. The lifeform soon sets to digesting the citizens of a nearby town, while a group of teens (led by an almost 30-year old Steve McQueen) tries to get anyone to believe their warnings about the creature.
Notice that I did NOT say that “the lifeform IMMEDIATELY sets to digesting the citizens of a nearby town”. And do you know why I didn’t say that? If you go and watch this film again, you’ll notice that the creature is originally found lying dormant, still enclosed in the rock-like casing of the meteorite. While there does appear to be some cracks in the meteorite, it does not open until some old backwoods bastard comes along and… you guessed it… pokes that bitch with a stick!
The poking causes the casing to open, exposing the gooey blue ball contained within. It’s kinda like one of those Kinder Surprise Eggs, only you really won’t want to play with or eat any part of it. Well, okay… that sounds like a normal Kinder Egg. Either way, this blue ball is sitting perfectly still when found, just minding its own business like blue balls from space tend to do. “Blue Balls From Space”. Is that the name of something? If not, I’m totally writing that story.
It’s only after the Blob is callously jabbed with said stick that it becomes active. Even then, it only does so when haphazardly allowed to drip all over the place, including the old man’s hand. Frankly, my friends….. that’s karma at work. You do stupid things and stupid things happen. Cause and effect at its most retarded. And let’s be honest, as old as this guy was, he was probably going to die soon anyway. In fact, this was actually the last role for Olin Howland, the actor cast as the old man. See? Told you he was going to die anyway.
And now you know what not to do if you ever find yourself in an encounter with a being from another world. Whatever you do, don’t poke it with a stick. All you end up doing is making the rest of us Earthlings look like assholes, and quite frankly, most of us don’t need your help with that. You also take the chance of endangering your hometown, if not the entire planet, to the horrible fate of being slowly and painfully digested by a rolling intergalactic Fruit Gusher of death, albeit one filled with the partially dissolved flesh and blood of your friends and family.
So, my friends, don’t ever say that you’re friends at Horror And Sons never tried to teach you anything. We haven’t, but don’t say it.
To close out this piece, I present you with this picture of child actor Keith Almoney in the role of “Danny”, the little brother of co-star Aneta Corsaut’s “Jane”.
I hate this kid. I hate him with a passion that mortal men just cannot fathom. Fuck you, Danny! Fuck you and your cap gun and your stupid fucking pajamas!
Happy Halloween, bitches!