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The Early Days Of Baby Farming
Thor the Conqueror tells the tale…. well, of Thor. The Conqueror. This isn’t the Thor of Marvel Comics fame. And I don’t believe that he’s the powerful son of a God either. No, he’s just some guy in a loin cloth.
Directed by Tonino Ricci (Panic, Night of the Sharks), the film begins with the birth of the title character. Thor. I stated that earlier. Keep up. After wandering the mountainside, Thor’s parents arrive at a ceremonial cluster of stones. It’s not a circle, not even that nice rising hedge effect that sacred stones sometimes tend to congregate in. It’s just a few stones with some crappy carvings of suns, stars, and other silly things that people get tattooed on them after a night of heavy drinking.
What at first appears to be an introductory voice-over is soon revealed to be the magician Teisha as he follows the couple around, loudly dictating their every action, as well as the prophesied future significance of these actions. Teisha is attired in a cape with hyper-extended shoulder pads giving him the appearance of a kite, a sinister tactic that he presumably uses in parks and playgrounds. More on that later.
As Mom crawls off into the bushes to plop out our hero, Dad stays behind praying to his rocks. Even back in those days, Dads pretty much did nothing besides sitting around waiting. The magical moment comes and Thor is born. Dad rushes to his wife’s side… long enough to grab the newborn and rush back to his precious rocks. Mom is left worn out, confused, and dripping in the woods with no medical attention. I’m sure she’ll be just fine.
Proud of his achievement, Dad holds the newborn over his head like it was some trophy that he won at bowling league. And as in most cases of showboating, there is always someone there to kick the ladder out from under you. In this case, that “someone” is Gnut, leader of a band of savage barbarians that roam the land. His means of taking the “wind out of Dad’s sails” comes via shooting the newborn Thor with an arrow. Well, that doesn’t seem very sporting of him. I mean, it’s not like this minutes-old baby is moving very fast. He could have just as easily walked up to it and bashed it with a club. You know, like a seal.
Dad battles Gnut’s men, only to be felled by arrows in the back (and throat) from Gnut. Then, just to be a dick about the whole thing, Gnut also kills Thor’s defenseless mother. Teisha casts a spell that’s the vision equivalent of tossing a smoke bomb and vanishes, the wounded newborn in tow.
Years pass. Thor (Bruno Minniti, billed here as “Conrad Nichols”) has grown into a man. A virgin that lives with a creepy magician down by the river, but still a man. That whole arrow in the neck thing is just kind of shrugged off. Although in solid shape, Minniti doesn’t have quite the physique of the actors generally cast in these roles. Combined with his long, moppy hair, his appearance is less Schwarzenegger and more Meat Puppets. Raised by Teisha, Thor’s hobbies include grunting and eating raw fish straight from the stream. Oh, and sexual assault.
Thor and Teisha notice a band of warriors leading 2 prisoners, a man and woman, through the hills. The man is soon eaten by the savages. The struggle is real for these people. Teisha uses his “special” powers to throw rocks at the men. As expected, this does nothing more than piss them off. Thor defends, because someone had to do the REAL fighting. After pimp-slapping a few of them, he turns his attention to the chieftain. Their fight quickly turns into a schoolyard brawl as the 2 men resort to clawing eyes and pinching noses. A few yards away from any harm, Teisha leers at them like a pedophile at a Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Thor defeats the chieftain and frees the slave girl, played by actress Malisa Longo. Some of you may remember Longo from one of our previously reviewed movies, War of the Robots. Okay, so you probably don’t. While Malisa was quite attractive in Robots, the years since that film definitely show. Time is a bitch, yo. Older and now with a red perm, she seems to have begun a slow metamorphosis into Mrs. Roper.
Thor takes the newly freed Slave Girl to the cave he calls home. Teisha furthers the sexual predator case against him when he tells Thor, “Lay her down. Play with her. What else is she good for?“. Pretty fucked up, right? However, before we judge him too harshly, we need to remember that most of Teisha’s sexual encounters involve the use of chloroform. And balloon animals.
As if watching Thor fumbling his way towards sexual discovery like an inexperienced teen in the backseat of a 1993 Ford Escort parked behind a hospital weren’t uncomfortable enough, the scene is made more disturbing by Teisha not only watching them, but also offering “words of encouragement”. “Take her“. “Make her bear the fruit called children“. Now, I’ve never eaten fruit children, but I assume they would be quite tasty tossed in a blender with some yogurt and ice. What is surprising is that despite how obnoxiously “macho” the scene is, there’s no nudity. Unless you count Thor’s man titters. We call them “Mitters”.
Now that Thor has killed a man and “taken a woman”, he’s ready to begin his reign as Conqueror. At least that’s what the Subway spokesperson following him around says. And really, these do seem like important requirements of anyone taking a position of leadership. If you only knew just how many people I had to kill in order to get this middle-management position of mine. As for the “virginity” thing? Well, I do have 2 children, although mine were never vine-ripened and picked at the peak of freshness.
Meanwhile, Slave Girl is sprawled out on Thor’s stone couch eating ribs and watching the latest cave painting of Maury. Ah, the “married” life. Unfortunately, a home invasion on Thor’s cave leaves Slave Girl dead. Poor thing never even had a real name.
Thor continues his directionless journey to conquer the land. His first trial comes in the form of a deafening dog whistle with a pitch high enough to shake the camera. The whistle passes, and with it the fog that magically only exists directly behind our hero. Revealed is an archway adorned with severed heads and other skeletal remains. As Bed, Bath, & Beyond didn’t exist in these times, I can only assume that these body parts represent the latest in fashionable home décor. Thor is forced to defend himself against a hideous humanoid creature, while the viewer is forced to defend themselves against sub par facial appliances and yawn-inducing swordplay. The creature is defeated and Thor steals the axe that it carried.
Soon after, Thor finds a spot to rest and settles down for the night. He is soon assaulted by visions of poorly crafted, floating demon heads and skeletal apparitions. This sequence features effects straight out of a William Castle flick. The visions end as suddenly as they appear. There’s no real explanation given for this scene, and for that, I couldn’t be happier. I know that there usually isn’t much provocation for the majority of my acid flashbacks.
Thor is later ambushed by a trio of women with wicker baskets on their heads. No, I’m not trying to be clever here. They’re actually wearing wicker trash baskets with slots cut out for their faces. Despite their humorous appearance, Thor manages to suppress his laughter long enough to snap the neck of one and bisect the face of another with his newly ganked axe. Despite the brutal killing of her sisters-in-arms, the 3rd woman puts up minimal resistance to Thor’s subsequent taunting and, for lack of a better term, raping her.
Accompanied by his new companion, Thor resumes the constant meandering that he calls a “quest”. And by “companion”, I mean “hostage”. He boasts about how he will rule the land and how she will have to set up a greenhouse for the cultivation of some of those succulent, juicy produce babies. She is given opportunity to escape when Thor is captured by some forest folk, but instead wastes the moment doing double-takes to the camera. She eventually frees him and they recommence on his journey to nowhere in particular. I’m tempted to make a joke about Thor obviously “tapping it right”, but as we’re talking about sexual assault, doing so would just seem tasteless. Unlike those fruit babies. Them things is scrumptious.
We finally learn that Thor’s new baby mama is named Ina. Women may not have been thought of as more than subservient fruit farms, but at least we let them have names. Teisha, having been absent the last few scenes, reappears long enough to watch from the shadows as the couple has their first encounter with consensual sex. Now, I readily admit my preoccupation with boobs. I’m pretty sure that I readily admit this in the majority of the reviews that I’ve written for this site. You’re welcome. While I applaud Ina for her dedication to side-boob, it doesn’t make up for the fact that the woman is a fucking slob. I know the girl is hungry, but her table etiquette is atrocious. Chew with your mouth closed, you filthy heathen.
Thor’s valor, for lack of a better term, eventually draws the attention of another tribe, this one much more civilized and educated than the others encountered thus far. In exchange for his leadership and protection, Thor is made the tribe’s chief. When I received my office at work, it came with a fan and an extra monitor. Thor, however, is offered the right to deflower the camp’s “pick of the litter” virgin. Ina, now considered the tribe “queen”, not only allows this, but declares it Thor’s “right” as leader. Now, you may see Thor as some adulterous lecher. Ina, however, sees him as a “farmer”, planting crops throughout the land. Kinda like Johnny Appleseed, although I don’t recall hearing the tales of Johnny forcing his seed upon others.
Thor is ultimately forced to fight (the “still-a-dick”) Gnut for total dominance of the drought-ridden shithole that these people call “home”. This doesn’t go in storybook fashion and Ina is captured…. again. Despite a growing list of restraining orders that keep him from actually entering all these settlements that Thor finds, Teisha pops up long enough to conjure up a horse for Thor. Thor, undoubtedly, is not the first person Teisha has offered a pony to. PS Ponies? Also some stupid shit people get tattooed on them after too much drinking.
The film ends just a few minutes after this, and in the fashion that you’d most expect. This review should have ended about 350 words ago. It too ends in the fashion that you’d most expect. I tell you that this isn’t a particularly well made movie, but that there’s some entertainment to be found if you know what you are looking for. You go back to searching the web for pictures of cats playing backgammon.
Thanks to boardgamegeek.com for the cat pic!