Season 2, Episode 1: “The Impressionist” – Original Airdate: Sept. 26, 1985
Directed by Armand Mastroianni (He Knows You’re Alone, The Clairvoyant)
Teleplay by Haskell Barkin, based on a story by author M. Coleman Easton

Actor and puppeteer Chuck McCann (“Far Out Space Nuts”, C.H.O.M.P.S.) stars as “Spiffy Remo”, a master impressionist who performs a nightly act for a relatively full house at a decent-sized nightclub presumably located just off the main strip somewhere in either Vegas or Atlantic City. (Hell, it could be Branson, MO. It really doesn’t matter.)  Although Remo continues to pull in a crowd, the club’s owner thinks it may be time for him to update his routine. As impressions of Laurel & Hardy or the Wizard of Oz weren’t “fresh” material even by 1985’s standards, I’m fairly inclined to agree. However, as Remo explains it, the audience keeps returning because they know his routine is perfection, the result of honing his craft for decades.

After finishing his set one particular evening, Remo is confronted by a government agent. The man tells Remo that he’s to be taken, somewhat against his will, to an undisclosed location to assist in a top secret project. Upon reaching his destination, Remo is informed that not only has an extraterrestrial lifeform recently landed on Earth, but that he has been tasked with learning to mimic the being’s movements and behaviors in the hopes of establishing communication before it must return to its home world. The scientist (Bobby De Cicco – The Supernaturals, Ghoulies IV) leading the project claims that the creature holds the key to our unlocking the full potential of nuclear fusion, which is vital to expanding human knowledge and increasing our planet’s chances of survival… or for powering the craft that will be used in finding a new planet to call “home” once this one has been pushed to the brink on extinction. As these are “world powers” that we are talking about, you can be certain that this “knowledge” will also be used to create the weapons and biological waste that will drive us closer to that brink. Hooray for us!

Initially, Remo refuses the task, but he does eventually accept the challenge… once the threat of charges for offenses long in his past are brought forth. Although things do start anything but smoothly, Remo is finally able to communicate with the alien, named “Hoffgosh” by the scientists. Trust and something of a friendship is established between the two vastly different lifeforms, and it is implied that Hoffgosh does indeed share its knowledge with Remo.

With his work finished and the alien having returned home, Remo finds himself once more performing his routine at the same nightclub. While the crowds are just as lively as ever, and the club’s owner is no longer breathing down his back about updating the show, Remo finds that he no longer enjoys performing, having found a higher purpose in his work with Hoffgosh. While walking home that evening, the alien returns in its ship (here represented by nothing more than a collection of flood lights), offering to take Remo with it.

“The Impressionist“, in my opinion, is a rather solid episode, albeit thinly scripted, which is somewhat understandable with its 22-minute runtime. That said, as I (and probably most of many others) am admittedly biased in favor of the more horror-themed episodes, I do question if it was the best option to kick off the series’ sophomore season, as “The Impressionist” is undeniably quite sci-fi heavy in its theme and subject matter. However, as the episode very much is a story of hope, I can respect the less expected approach of kicking off the series’ second season with what is undoubtedly a tale from the bright side. 

CHILDHOOD HERO: A prolific voice actor, McCann provided voice work to numerous cartoons over the years, such as Scooby-Doo, The Smurfs, CB Bears, Drak Pack, Pac-Man, G.I. Joe, DuckTales, Toxic Crusaders, and The Powerpuff Girls.

 

Season 2, Episode 2: “Lifebomb” – Original Airdate: October 6th, 1985
Directed by Frank De Palma (editor on 1988’s Cameron’s Closet, writer of the 3rd and 4th “Wing Commander” games)
Written by author Michael Kube-McDowell (“Star Wars: The Black Fleet Crisis” series)

Bill Macy (TV’s “Maude”, The Jerk) stars as “Ben Martin”, the owner and CEO of a large corporation who, despite his age and health problems, refuses to slow down at work or change his lifestyle habits, such as drinking and smoking. One day, Ben receives a visit at his office for the sales rep for a new device that promises to help stave off death. Even better, it’s fully covered by Ben’s insurance! The electronic device, called a “Lifebomb”, is implanted onto a person’s back and “explodes” upon sensing any life-endangering situation, wrapping its owner in a protective cocoon and providing everything needed to keep the person alive until medical assistance arrives.

It isn’t until experiencing a near-heart attack that Ben decides to sign up for his own Lifebomb. However, it doesn’t take very long until he activates the device, giving himself an actual heart attack after an argument with his wife about, of all things, taking better care of himself. While in recovery, Ben is visited once more by the Lifebomb rep, and is coldly informed that the reason that insurance companies cover the device is because the only people who can afford to use it are high-risk millionaires/billionaires like himself for whom paying to keep living would be cheaper than the life insurance payout if they died. Once more, he is warned to slow down at work, manage his stress, and to take better care of himself. Naturally, he doesn’t heed the advice.

While dealing with the much darker theme of mortality, “Lifebomb“, like “The Impressionist” before it, isn’t exactly the most horrific of tales. Although the latter is probably more comparable to something found on “The Outer Limits”, “Lifebomb” plays out more like a Twilight Zone-esque morality lesson on karma and not changing one’s ways before it is too late. Macy gives a pretty solid performance, but it may get overshadowed by the cartoonish manner in which the Lifebomb activates. I do assume that this was something of an intentional choice, perhaps to save the episode from becoming too grim and morbid. Overall, “Lifebomb” is another fairly entertaining episode, and one that ends in rather bleak fashion, which makes it the most “horror” minded of the second season’s first three episodes.

 

Season 2, Episode 3: “Ring Around the Redhead” – Original Airdate: October 13th, 1985
Directed by Theodore (Ted) Gershuny (Silent Night, Bloody Night)
Written by author John D. McDonald (“The Executioners”, which was adapted for the screen as Cape Fear)

Just hours before his impending execution by electric chair, an inventor tells a reporter the bizarre tale of how he found himself in his current situation. The man, Billy (John Heard – C.H.U.D., Home Alone), was tinkering with new ideas one evening when an earthquake exposes a ring-shaped interdimensional portal buried beneath the floor of his workshop. Naturally curious, he begins by testing various dimensions for atmospheric and temperature conditions, but soon begins sending a grappling hook through the portal in the hopes of retrieving tangible items from these alternate universes. Initially, Billy retrieves a few trinkets and pieces of what may be jewelry, but also a few shiny red rocks as well.

Billy asks his friend, Jimbo, to take a look at the rocks. Much to everyone except the viewer’s surprise, Jimbo identifies the rocks as uncut rubies. Fully understanding the monetary implications, Jimbo convinces Billy to continue his attempts, but no more rubies are retrieved. Eventually, Jimbo leaves, and Billy retrieves his line from the portal one final time, preparing to end his experiments. However, this time he brings back something he never could have expected… a young woman (Penelope Ann Miller – Adventures in Babysitting, Carlito’s Way)!

Being from another dimension/civilization, the woman obviously does not understand our language. However, through the magic of television, the woman learns enough English in just a few scenes to not only reveal that her name is Keena, but that her people are a race of inventors and thinkers far more civilized and technologically advanced than us; enough so that that they have no war, communicate through telepathy, and can freeze time itself. So, yeah… suck it, Earth!

As expected, those rubies weren’t a “throw away” sub-plot, and Jimbo soon returns looking to claim the ring for himself. As he’s packing heat, Billy offers little resistance, especially after Keena advises him that her people don’t actually need the ring in order to retrieve her as they have the ability to look into other dimensions at will. Again, they’re just better than our primitive monkey asses. Jimbo’s attempts to retrieve more items of value fail, although it is stated (not shown) that one of his efforts results in accidentally severing the arm of someone in an alternate dimension. Jimbo tries to return the ring, and in another sequence that is only spoken about, is crushed to death by a mysterious fog that emits from the portal. When the fog clears, both Keena and the ring are gone, presumably returned to their place of origin. Soon after, Billy is arrested and accused of Jimbo’s murder (also not shown).

He’s eventually led to the chair. However, just as the switch is about to be thrown, everything appears to stop. Which it has. Keena reappears, having stopped time in order to free Billy and whisk him away to her world, leaving behind an empty chair, a room full of shocked witnesses, and a reporter with one hell of a story to tell.

Originally based on a short story that first appeared in the November, 1948 issue of “Startling Stories” magazine, “Ring Around the Redhead“ plays as an odd mix of sci-fi and fantasy. While I have not read McDonald’s original version of the tale, what “Tales from the Darkside” presents in this 22-minute episode feels somewhat under-developed. In my opinion, the more intriguing aspects of the tale are the ones that we aren’t shown. Now, I do understand that restrictions to both budget and the amount of violence/gore that could be broadcast on television (network and syndicated) of the era definitely were the key factors on why these elements were excluded, but as is, the episode is essentially nothing more than dialogue and probably works better in its original written form. 

There’s also really no denying that “Ring Around the Redhead” is what some (many) would call a chauvinistic male fantasy. A seemingly lonely man meets a beautiful (and much younger) woman from a faraway land (far enough away that she has no knowledge of why women from his own land avoid him). He teaches her about his culture.. or at least the parts that he deems important, all while keeping her isolated from an outside world that may eventually inform her that she’s essentially being kept a brainwashed prisoner. Eventually, the woman falls in love with him, presumably because he is the only person she has been allowed to meet. The reporter actually points all this out to Billy during their interview, but he just denies the evidence, claiming that he was only protecting the girl. Granted, when Keena disrobes in front of him, he was probably only protecting them titties, but it’s his story. He can tell it how he wants.

INQUIRING MINDS:  If you want to know what Billy was so “protective” of (albeit a few years older), go watch the aforementioned Carlito’s Way.

 

While I may have watched Tales from the Darkside as often as possible during this period of time (I was only 8-years old, after all), I honestly don’t recall watching any of these episodes at the time of their original airing. While it is possible that I did, none of the episodes made enough of a lasting impression for me to remember the moment, although I do believe that I watched all three in reruns before the end of the decade. My opinion of these episodes is basically the same these many years later; while I certainly do not consider any of these episodes to be among the series’ worst, none are what I would consider to be among Tales from the Darkside‘s finest moments. In retrospect, I consider the start to the series’ second season to be a bit underwhelming, and surprisingly devoid of anything truly “horror”. Thankfully, that will be changing very soon!