Miami Golem is a 1985 sci-fi/action film from Italian director Alberto De Martino, who brought us 1974’s exorcism flick The Antichrist, the Kirk Douglas-starring The Chosen, and MST3K-fave The Pumaman. The film has also seen release under the title “Miami Horror”, which is probably a less confusing title as I’m sure many people, like myself, picture a clay giant brought to life by magic when they see or hear the word “golem”, and there are surely none of those to be found anywhere during the nearly 90-minute runtime.

TITLE TRIVIA: Supposedly, the film may have also seen release at some place and time as “Alien Killer” and, for whatever reason, also as “Wolf Back” in Spain. There are no wolves in the film either. Miami isn’t really known for its wolf population.

The first thing that will probably catch the attention of most viewers is Miami Golem‘s theme (song), which is proudly featured during the opening credits. No, that’s not a chiptune version of Harold Faltermeyer’s “Axel F”, the hit theme song from 1984’s Beverly Hills Cop, nor is it Jan Hammer’s theme to NBC’s hit series “Miami Vice”, which also debuted in 1984. If anything, the song is a bastardized clone of the two (although it’s undeniably much closer to “Axel F”), which is fitting since the film’s central premise is that of cloning gone horribly wrong. As for the similarities in the music… hey, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Right?

Using genetic material sourced from a meteorite that fell to Earth millions of years ago, a Miami university-based scientist attempts to prove that life on Earth may be the result of viruses and bacteria that fell from space. David Warbeck, who appeared in Trog and Twins of Evil in addition to the Lucio Fulci films that he seems to be best remembered for, stars as “Craig Milford”, a local TV reporter sent to document the discovery for his local affiliate. As he’s the only reporter covering the story, it must not have been too big of a deal.

While taking photos of the organism, Craig’s shoddy video equipment short circuits, zapping the petri dish containing the specimen. This results in a series of spirit-like entities manifesting all around the lab, rapidly zipping around the room while emitting a series of what sounds like moans. Although these “specters” disappear almost as quickly as they appeared, Craig manages to capture a few seconds of the occurrence on his video camera.

Craig wraps up his report and leaves the university. Not long after, a hitman (named “Roach”) arrives at the lab and begins to take out all of the seemingly limited staff, including the lead scientist. After disposing of all those in his way (not that any of them offered much in the line of resistance), Roach steals the organism and delivers it to his boss, a wealthy criminal named Anderson (John Ireland – The House of Seven Corpses, I Saw What You Did), who plans to use the lifeform for personal gain. As he can’t have any “loose ends” left behind, Anderson orders Roach to eliminate Craig as well.

Craig hands the footage that he recorded at the lab over to the police. Upon leaving the police, he receives a call from a man claiming to be with his station’s news desk, who informs him of a potential hostage situation currently unfolding. Granted, it’s allegedly unfolding in an empty airstrip far from the city’s populace, but Craig fails to notice just how suspect the situation actually is until Roach zooms in aboard a helicopter and begins opening fire with a machine gun. However, as the position of “cinematic henchman” would appear to require minimal training or skill, Roach never actually hits anything except Craig’s car. On the other hand, as an investigative journalist, Craig is a “crack shot” and manages to fight back with a revolver, disabling the chopper in the process. You never saw Tom Brokaw do that… at least, not that I remember.

As one might expect, Anderson brings in his own scientific team to help develop the extraterrestrial organism. One could argue that his own efforts are more successful than those of the now-deceased university scientist as the entity has grown in size and power, now resembling a snaggle-toothed infant with a severe case of varicose veins.

In one of those moments that come with zero reason or explanation, Craig is soon approached by a mysterious woman named Joanna (Laura Trotter – Nightmare City, Last House on the Beach), a linguist who claims to be able to translate the strange voices captured on Craig’s tape. Joanna reveals that the voices are actually a message from another world, one located deep within the reaches of space. Despite being housed in a glass jar all the way across town, Space Baby is able to sense Joanna talking shit about it and doesn’t take kindly to such slander. The creature telepathically causes a drink glass to shatter in her hand, although she is not seriously hurt.

Miami Golem unfortunately falls into something of a rut soon after. Secrets are revealed about the true origins of at least two characters, and an alien doppleganger of Craig appears just long enough to inform Craig that the fate of the universe is in his hands (well, of course it is). While there’s some amusement to be found in these scenes due to the haphazard nature in which information is revealed and the plot expanded upon, most of it is superfluous and unessential to the film as a whole. Honestly, there’s solid argument to be made that a lot of this exposition only hurts Miami Golem‘s pacing and that the film may have been better off with some of it removed. Then again, doing so may have resulted in a very short film.

Things start to pick back up near the film’s conclusion as the Space Baby becomes more powerful and aware of its situation. Naturally, everything culminates in a showdown with the creature at Anderson’s secret lab. This leads to multiple instances of Craig being telepathically tossed around the room by the alien fetus. Somehow, despite the vast array of flashing overhead lights and sparking junction boxes, the sequence is surprisingly more than a little dull and anti-climactic. Just as dull and disappointing is the brief shootout that soon follows to wrap up the plot’s loose ends.

Miami Golem was co-written by Martino, Gianfranco Clerici, and Vincenzo Mannino, the latter duo having worked on the scripts of films such as The New York Ripper, Devil Fish, Murder Rock, and House on the Edge of the Park prior. The trio undeniably took something of a “kitchen sink” approach to the film’s plot, throwing in gunfights, airboat chase sequences, telepathy, alien doppelgangers, nudity, and even interspecies sex… yet somehow still manages to be filled with large gaps of nothing happening. One even wonders if it’s worth mentioning that Sergio Stivaletti of Cemetery Man fame contributed the special effects as other than the alien fetus and one very blurry, poorly lit spaceship, there’s really no effects on display.

While none of the performances are particularly noteworthy, I wouldn’t label most of them as “poor”. In fact, I feel that most of the cast do a respectable job seeing that they are given little to do and what they have been given is pretty damned ridiculous. The one exception here may surprisingly be Ireland, who looks bored and confused throughout the film’s entirety. Then again, as he is given extremely limited dialog and even less to do action-wise, I can’t exactly say that I fault him.

If nothing else, Miami Golem (or whatever title you choose to use) may be seen as a “highlight reel” for certain areas of my home state of Florida. Unfortunately, the filmmakers chose to spend quite a bit of time and effort highlighting some of the state’s less visually appealing aspects, such as the numerous scenes set at airstrips or in the Everglades. Now, while the Everglades may be an important wildlife preservation and teeming with nature, a swamp is not something many would call an “awe-inspiring” view. Sure, that airboat chase may serve as the film’s “action sequence highlight”, but it surely doesn’t showcase the beauty of South Florida, nor does it really create exhilaration.  While these were aspects that undeniably helped “Miami Vice” become a cultural phenomenon, they’re also aspects that Miami Golem somehow forgot to mimic.

Miami Golem never received a DVD release in the U.S. (not that I could find, anyway), although there are bootleg copies, as well as a German DVD. That said, there are at least two VHS rips of the film available (as of the time of this writing) to watch on Youtube.